On this episode, I wanted to talk about transitions. This is so often at the root of a lot of questions or frustrations that I hear from parents and transitions can refer to big or small things, right, and maybe something major like moving to a new city or a divorce in the family. Or it could be something seemingly small, like moving from a crib to a bed or moving from eating dinner, brushing your teeth. But regardless, transitions can often trigger some unexpected behavior. And I think often leaves parents feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed and, frankly, annoyed, which is fair, but I want to help us reframe this, to see your kids differently, right to be able to empathize with their struggle through transitions. And then also to find some practical ways to deal with transitions that make them a lot smoother for everyone involved. So I want to firstly invite you to think about a transition in your own life. Maybe it was a move, getting a new job becoming a parent, huge transition there, right. And I want you to think back to all of the feelings that you had about that. And all the ways that you found yourself coping with those feelings. Maybe you napped a lot due to overwhelm. Or maybe you were so nervous that you forgot to do like some really important things. Or maybe you lashed out at a partner or a friend because you were feeling like scared and worried. And that felt too vulnerable. You see where I’m going with this right? When we as humans face something new and especially unknown, we tend to resort to things that are comfortable and familiar to help us cope, right we don’t often think straight quote unquote, so we may even revert to behaviors that we know are less than desirable, but we just do it anyway. I was talking with a mom just this morning actually about her toddler who was quote very easily and quickly potty trained, and who just started preschool. So this mom marvelled as she, you know, watched her preschooler the other day, excuse herself from playing to go to the bathroom, and she was like, wow, my kid is making such good progress, only to then experience her daughter coming home and now reverting back to wetting herself like constantly. Now this mom was understandably right, annoyed, and like consistently frustrated at her wit’s end, she told me and after absolutely affirming and validating all those feelings that she was having, I was able to remind her that her kid just started something new. And while that new thing was probably really exciting for her daughter and offered a feeling of independence and freedom that her toddler had not experienced yet, and was probably really craving that independence and freedom also comes with some discomfort, right, feeling excited to grow up, but like not quite ready. And I think subconsciously, what’s happening for her toddler is that she’s seeking the familiar, reverting back to behaviors that she knows are less than ideal, but she’s, quote, not thinking straight, right, just like we would do. She’s not really thinking at all, frankly, not deliberately. She’s responding. She’s going back to a phase of life where she was a baby and always cared for by her mother, not not really needing to feel the weight of independence or freedom, but she could just kind of be held and feel safe. It makes sense, really, when we’re able to zoom back out. Transitions are scary, even when they bring like a lot of good possibilities for us. And as humans, we naturally protect ourselves from the unknown. It’s our evolutionary state, it’s totally normal. So if your child is in a similar position, no matter their age, like exhibiting behaviors that you thought they were well past, I would like you to pause and consider what newness may be there for them right now.
Ask your child questions
But I want to share some of my favourite ways to engage in transitions to make them collaborative. The first thing I want to mention is asking questions. One thing I found myself personally getting really tired of and I know that a lot of parents are tired of is feeling like you’re repeating yourself every day. Like these are things we do everyday kid, why do you keep needing to be reminded of this? You’ve been doing this for nine years? Why are we still talking about this? So I decided I get to change the game if I want to. So I’m instead of saying what is coming next, or instead of like telling them what to do next, I’m going to ask them what they think is next. I’m gonna say so I started saying, Hey, so what’s next? What do you need to do to get ready for bed? There are three things. And then he’ll run through the list nine years old, like okay, well, I need to brush my teeth, pyjamas and take my melatonin. Yeah, exactly. Which are you going to do first? Like to just ask the question, instead of telling them what to do ask because you know that they know. So don’t put yourself in the position to be the dictator. You know, ordering them around, like, bring them in on it and just ask them to get curious about it. And let them sort of take control where you can give control of how that routine goes down. It’s always super helpful because again, you’re asking them to do something they don’t want to do on your timeline. So they are like they have zero control, right? So giving them a little bit of that will help this to go a lot smoother.
Turn it into play
The second thing I love is playing. Okay, so I’m a kid person at heart. So this one seems to I think come more easily to me than it does to other grownups. But I love to make light of transitions. So like I love thinking of weird little games we could play to make the transition more fun. Because again, if I’m asking a kid to do something they really don’t want to be doing I might as well make it as bearable as possible for them and for myself, because why not? So this might look like moving our body in some weird way to get from one thing to the next. So let’s hop on one foot to the bathroom and see him get there first to brush their teeth go and then we hopped down on one foot, or even ask them to bring them in on it. Should we skip or slither like a snake down the hallway to the bathroom? Like bringing them in on the game is the best part because when they feel like they have agency in the game, they are much more willing to play the game. So just goofy things Things like that can make what was once a frigging yelling match into a bucket of laughs You know? And why wouldn’t you rather laugh and play than yell and scream? So it’s a win-win.
Use visual timers
Thirdly, visual timers. Oh, man. Okay, so no doubt Cindy has talked about the magic of visual timers. But I am telling you, they are amazing for transitions, especially for younger kids who can’t tell time yet, visual timers, which are literally just a little like a tabletop, like egg timers, basically. But they have like a huge coloured wedge that gets you to know, smaller as the time passes. So your kids can literally see the time passing, there’s so helpful. Again, this is something that a kid could participate in, they could with your help set the timer for 15 minutes, so they know how much time they have to play before dinner or whatever. This is also such a great skill builder in time management, as crazy as that might sound, it gives them this visual representation of how much time is left for them. And then they can prioritize how they spend that time because now they understand how much time there is to spend, oh, I can’t praise visual timers enough. So if you can’t get one, I think they’re like 15 bucks on Amazon. But you could also use like the timer feature or alarms on your phone or on your Alexa devices or things like that. Okay, and lastly, probably should have put this first in like chronological order, but prepare them preparing kids for what’s coming is not only like practically useful, but it’s also just such an easy way to show them kindness and respect. Like knowing that kids don’t have a firm grasp on time or time management, helping them ahead of time to know you know, when the clock says 930. That means it’s time for us to go to the library, or whatever, like seeing who they are for all of their capacities, but also some of their limitations, and then meeting them there. So that you can help them through a transition. It’s just like, it makes my heart so happy to think of caring for a kid in that way. Like, is this going to help them from protesting when they have to give up something they’re really focused on to do the thing that you want them to do? Not necessarily, no, that’s never a guarantee.
But I’m not a fan of like parenting through coercion necessarily, like using respect is a strategy, I think we can teach authentic respect by showing authentic respect. So So yeah, just preparing themselves ahead of time giving them lots of warnings and timestamps, in my experience has proven really helpful. And I think they will feel that respect. And again, over time, maybe they won’t protest so much. Because they realize like that you do deeply care about the things they care about and the things that they want to be doing. And also there are other things that need to get done. And as you show them authentic respect in that process, they will be able to give that back to you and and you can start to work as a team. So some of this takes time. But it’s I think it’s so necessary to build a foundation of trust and cooperation that will make these other transitions Big or small, throughout their life. So much easier to manage because you’re doing it together.
About Anna
I am a parent coach, children’s advocate and Mister Rogers wannabe. I love providing coaching, resources, and content for families looking to cultivate more peaceful, conscious relationships in their homes.
