This is a summary of podcast episode 33, a conversation with Vanessa Lapointe, in which we talk about some common concerns parents have about aggressive behaviours in their children. Vanessa Lapointe is a mother, a registered psychologist, a parenting educator, a best-selling author, an international speaker, and the founder and director of the Wishing Star Lapointe Developmental Clinic. This is a summary post along with some additional information to help parents out.
Getting curious
When it comes to aggressive behaviours, parents have so many concerns. How do parents play a part in their child’s aggressive behaviour? Should you feel guilty when your child acts out? It’s important to know that it is developmentally appropriate for younger children to act out aggressively because they have a limited capacity for internal regulation. They need our external support.
Older kids (usually ~6yrs), on the other hand, are more able to self-regulate. Barring developmental issues at play, if an older child is displaying aggressive behaviours, you have to see it as a form of emotional communication. That’s when you have to get curious. First consider the environmental factors: what could be contributing to this behaviour? This might require taking a look at yourself and what’s going on with you as a parent and your connection with the child. This could involve assessing other external factors in your child’s life, like academic, social, and medical issues. The COVID-19 pandemic, for example, had a huge impact on everyone’s lives. Next, you’ll want to consider internal factors, like the concept of an “orchid child.”
Setting boundaries
One thing you’ll have to do is set a boundary around the behaviour and be firm in holding that boundary. This can be tough; parents are usually too kind or too firm and balancing the two is necessary. In order to really show up as a parent, we need support, and we have to consider the way we were parented. There are a number of misconceptions about parenting styles, especially in contrast to the way most of us were raised. Most of us were raised by behaviourists, which focused on desired and undesired behaviours, without considering connection. We know now how important connection is, especially in regard to emotion regulation.
Parenting guilt
In this age of social media, a lot of parents feel a lot of guilt around parenting, but the fact is, it does not matter where the problem originated so much as the fact that you, as a parent, are the solution. And no, it is never too late. It is also important to consider the styles of different adults in your child’s life, like teachers and how that may play a role.
Action plan
Some aggressive behaviour, particularly in themed play, has been shown to be beneficial and should not be shut down. Parents can guide with boundaries and help shift the energy of play, but play is an important outlet for emotional upset. There are, however, times to be concerned and speak to a doctor or therapist about aggressive behaviour in kids. But for most people, whether it’s in relation to screen time or new friends, getting curious and focusing on the connection will help with aggressive behaviours.
Some resources:
Dr. Lapointe on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr.vanessalapointe/
Dr. Lapointe on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drvanessalapointe
Visit her website: https://drvanessalapointe.com/
Check out her books:
Lapointe, V. (2016). Discipline without damage: How to get your kids to behave without messing them up. Greystone Books.
Lapointe, V. (2019). Parenting right from the start: laying a healthy foundation in the baby and toddler years. Lifetree Media Ltd.
Other resources discussed:
Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2013). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. Vintage Canada.
Ellis, B. J., & Boyce, W. T. (2008). Biological sensitivity to context. Current directions in psychological science, 17(3), 183-187.
Boyce, W. T. (2019). The orchid and the dandelion: Why some children struggle and how all can thrive. Alfred A. Knopf.
