Parenting is the hardest job in the world. You feel tremendous pressure to get it just right. You spend hours and hours researching parenting styles, scouring Reddit boards to figure out what others have done, and asking your parent friends what’s worked and what hasn’t, all in an effort to be a better parent. Is it working? Or is it just making you more stressed and uncertain?
Sarah, a mom of 12-month-old, said, “I never feel like I know enough or that I am educated enough to raise my son so I keep reading online content and books to learn about parenting” – and she’s not alone.
As a parent, you’re making a dozen decisions every day – what to feed your child for breakfast, how to discipline them after they throw a toy, how to react to a public tantrum, and which activities to enroll them in – all while trying to pay bills, maintain a home, work, maintain your own self-care, etc.
It’s no surprise that parental stress is so common that it’s now considered a public health crisis. Even though parents are now spending twice as much time with their children compared to parents 50 years ago, many are still wondering: Am I doing enough? How can I do better? Am I choosing the right style or approach?
Choosing the right parenting style
You’ve likely found yourself knee-deep in research around parenting styles and approaches, of which there are many: gentle, free range, authoritative, new age, etc. Choosing the best, most effective style can feel exhausting and pressure filled.
While scientific evidence shows some parenting styles offer clear benefits to children, there’s no single style or approach that has proven to be the “best.” This leaves parents with the difficult challenge of deciding what they like, what they don’t, what works, and what doesn’t.
While this can feel both exciting and overwhelming, it’s important to remember that the style is far less important than being a “responsive, consistent, and supportive” parent, explains Amanda McClellan, LCSW, PMH-C, Maternal Mental Health Specialist at Hive Wellness Collective.
“Attachment theory teaches us that what matters most is the connection and bond you have with your child,” McClellan says. “If you’re showing up with warmth, setting boundaries with compassion, and making your child feel safe and seen, you’re on the right track. “Trust your instincts and the unique relationship you have with your child – that connection is the ‘right’ style.”
Solidify your parenting values
Rather than focusing all of your attention – and anxiety – on choosing the right style or approach, think critically about your parenting values. This is, according to Emma Basch, PsyD, Certified EMDR Clinician and Licensed Clinical Psychologist, the most important thing you can do to increase confidence.
Take time with yourself, with your partner, or with extended family to reflect on your values. When it comes to parenting and raising children, decide what you value most. Do you want your children to grow up and be independent, kind, respectful? Do you want them to be empathetic, grateful?
When solidifying your values, here are some questions to consider:
- What values are most important to you?
- What do you want your children to learn from you?
- What kind of home environment do you want to create?
- How do you want your children to handle adversity?
- What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
- What lessons have you learned that have been the most important to you?
- In your mind, what does “success” look like when it comes to parenting and raising children?
- What values do you wish your own parents had instilled in you?
- What values are you glad your parents instilled in you?
- What does being a “good” parent look like to you?
- What do you want to guide your child toward?
Not everyone will have the same core values – and that’s okay. Some that might be relevant to you: honesty, respect, responsibility, self-discipline, generosity, perseverance, gratitude, curiosity, independence, empathy, and/or kindness. If you have a really long list, try and narrow it down to the top three or four. These should then serve as a guide for your everyday decision making.
My child wants to quit the soccer team; should I let them? Should I make my children do chores? My child forgot to say “thank you” to the server; does that matter to me? When it comes to apologizing to a friend, what do I want my child to focus on? My child received money for her birthday; can she spend it all on toys?
“Identifying your values becomes your trailhead,” Basch says. “When you are clear on what matters to you in your parenting, it makes it easier to make decisions and filter out parenting advice that doesn’t resonate with you.”
Focus on presence over perfection
Perfection should never be the goal when it comes to parenting – and there’s really no such thing, even if social media has you believing otherwise. This is why Basch suggests that all parents be more thoughtful about what parenting advice they follow online.
“No matter how qualified they are, no one book, one Instagram parenting influencer, or one article is going to answer what works for you and for your family,” she says.
Looking externally for an answer or validation might make you feel good and less anxious, but it’s not going to improve your confidence and it doesn’t necessarily make you a “better” parent. Rather than turning to others, even if they are “experts,” Basch says it’s more important to ask yourself what parenting problem you are actually trying to solve in your search and trust in yourself when making a decision.
Because there’s no “right” approach, you may find that something you thought might work doesn’t – or maybe one child isn’t responding as positively to the same approach as another child. That’s okay. Be willing to adapt, to change your mind, and accept that you don’t know as much today as you will tomorrow and you know more today than you did yesterday.
McClellan says, “If you’re ever unsure, take a moment to pause, breathe, and ask yourself, ‘What does my child need from me right now?’ Your confidence will grow as you see that it’s not about getting every decision right but [rather] showing up authentically for your child.”
If you’re having trouble trusting yourself or feeling anxious in your decision making, you can also consult with a mental health expert and they can help you uncover what fears or concerns you have and how best to overcome them. Just know that you’re not supposed to have every answer as a parent; in fact, it’s healthy that you don’t.
Being a “good” parent often means being curious and fully present.
